I Love Tall Women

Before I add the latest post, I have to give a huge "Thank You" to my good friends for their help!  Maddie - You're the best Beta ever!  I appreciate all your input and time.  I love you much! 

Bella!  Thank you for sharing your stories with me.  I'll be adding more of yours.  :)  Love you much!

On with the show . . .

I love tall women, read the latest message I’ve received from one of my internet dating site visitors.

I click on his pictures to see who this verbose, eloquent, pursuer might be.

I see a nice goatee’d, bald-headed, tall man smiling at me.  I click over to his essay section and read his synopsis of himself.  Kind, honest, doesn’t do drugs, loves to live life to the fullest, loves to travel, family and friends are very important – the usual profile mumbo jumbo.

He’s not bad to look at, seems like he’s got a good job plus going to school for psychology. 

Hmmmmm – he might be one I’d like to meet.  But his message, I love tall women, did not have me swooning for him.  If a pursuer wants to capture the heart of a woman, shouldn’t he try a little harder?  I guess this was more than some other messages I’ve received, like Hi.  Or, Your cute.  Yes, your and not you’re.  Hey Beautiful.  And my favorite- Winning!

I decide I’ll put in as much effort as he had and write back to him, I love tall men.

I instantly get a response that reads, Well then . . . we have something to start with.  Would you like to grab a cup of coffee or a drink sometime? – Jerry.

This guy moves fast.  I think he skipped a few steps.  Where’s the step where we go back and forth with questions and comments like, I really enjoyed reading your profile, it looks as though we have a lot in common.  How are you enjoying this weather?  Do you have big plans for this weekend?  Ask me any question, I’m an open book.  I hope to hear from you. 

Where’s the step where we exchange the phone numbers and then finally get the nerve to call and talk for the first time?

I’ve been under the impression that only after you do all the banal questions do you get the nerve to ask someone out. 

But this guy jumps all the steps and asks me out right away. 

This is kind of refreshing.  Let’s nip this in the bud and meet right away so you’re not wasting valuable time.  Anyone can say the right things when you have time to think about it in front of your computer.  But if you are sitting face to face, you can see their facial reactions, their smiles, how they answer questions on the fly, do they have a scary laugh?; you know, really get to know them. 

He might be onto something here with skipping these steps.

We figure out a time and place to meet. 

At work on the day of the first meeting I get an instant message from my girlfriend Bella.  You know the one that encouraged me to get on this dating site.  She also has a first meeting tonight.

B: You nervous for tonight?

C: I don’t get nervous anymore.  You?

B: Not really.  We’re meeting at Rednecks.  Where are you going?

C:  Funny!  We’ll be so close I’ll be down the road from you at 7’s.  If these dates don’t work out for us – we should meet up and commiserate!

B: LMAO!  Text me when you’re done .

C: You too!  We could meet at Crazy Henry’s for a couple

B:  Oooooooo  I like the sound of that!  Kind of makes me not want to go on the date now.  I just want to go to Crazy Henry’s with you.

C:  Me too!  But I do hope these dates work out for us.

B: Me too.  Are you going to let him kiss you?

C:  LOL!!  Gosh NO!  Unless he’s extremely good looking or I’m extremely drunk!  You?

B: 

NO WAY

!  Good Luck!

C:  You too – I’ll text when I’m done.

He’s late.  I decide to grab a seat instead of waiting in the lobby for him.  While following the hostess to the table I run into a girlfriend’s husband.  He gives me a big hug.

“What are you doing here?” Sean says while hugging me.

“I’m on a first date.”

“Blind date?”

“Yep.”

“Well, I’m sitting right over here if you need me!”  He says laughing.

“I might take you up on that.  I’ll give you a look and you can walk over and yell at him saying - What are you doing with my wife!”  I say back to Sean while grabbing his hand to point out his ring.

“You do have your ring on – right?” I say noticing he doesn’t.

He looks nervously down at his hand and says “Um – no, I was playing softball and um took it off.  I forgot to put it back on.”

This was suspicious to me.  He was dressed in his work clothes and it didn’t look at all like he had been playing softball.  Why would he lie?  Men!  Well, none of my business.

“Well, keep an eye out for me, but I hope I won’t need you.  Good to see you Sean.”

“You too, good luck Cheetahtort.”

I sit down, ordered myself a glass of wine and waited 20 minutes for him. 

He finally shows up, apologizes for being late and gives me an awkward hug.

“Your pictures don’t do you justice.”  He says while sitting down across from me.

I blush and say “Thank you, that’s nice of you to say.”

He just sits there and stares at me.  I’m wondering if he’s expecting the same compliment back.  It didn’t come. 

He looks just like his pictures.  There were no surprises.  He’s 6’5”, bald, has a goatee, a nice smile, and pretty green eyes.

The date starts out nice.  He’s very nice and a talkative guy.  He tells me about his job, his two boys, and how he ended up moving here.  I find out after his first beer that all that he told me before that beer was totally sugar coated.

At one point, his eyes well up and a tear falls to his cheek.  Is he crying?!  I’m shocked and have no idea what’s going on. 

“Cheetahtort, I’m sorry – I don’t normally tell people right away about my past, but there’s something about you.  I feel I could say anything to you.”

Oh gosh, here we go, once again, a man with issues and baggage.  I sit back in my high-top bar stool and brace myself for what’s about to be dumped on me.

“I recently got out of rehab for abusing cocaine.”  He says peering at me waiting for my reaction.

I have no visible reaction to him except the things racing through my mind:  Really?  Again?  Is everyone on drugs?  Why do I keep meeting these men?  Am I supposed to be their psychiatrist? Their sounding boards?  Is this my calling in life – having to endure dates with men that have drug and alcohol problems?

“How did that go for you?”  I say as I see him taking another gulp of his beer.  Should addicts really be drinking? 

He sees me eying his drink.

“I can still drink Cheetahtort.  Alcohol is not what I went in for.  True, my doctors would argue with me about my drinking or my smoking pot, but I don’t have a problem with those chemicals.  I just have a problem with cocaine.”

Oh great – he’s a pot head too.

 “So, how are you doing?”

“Cheetahtort, I’ve never been happier.  I’m healthy, I’m getting my life back in order.  My divorce is because of the cocaine; she did it too.  She’s actually the one that introduced it to me.  I did some pretty bad things while using.  I did really stupid things.  I won’t get into everything with you right now, but maybe later.”

He says this like I want to hear more.  I want to check my face in the mirror.  Does it look like I want to know or even care?

“But I had to hit rock bottom and I did.  I went to a seedy part of town for more drugs.  I found two men that were willing to sell to me.  They then proceeded to put their guns to my head and stole my wallet, phone and lastly my car.  I had to walk 22 miles in these flip flops to get home.” He says while pointing out his worn out sandals.

“That was your rock bottom?”

“Oh yes, I’m done Cheetahtort.”

“Well, I hope you are on the right track now.  Good for you going into rehab and asking for help.”  I say trying to sound caring and supportive. 

I see two men walking over to the table near us.  I start to smile as I recognize one of them – a girlfriend’s little brother, Levi. 

Levi sees me, gives me his big beautiful smile and yells, “Cheetahtort!”

Ugh, this is awkward.  I don’t want to introduce Levi to Jerry.  Turns out I don’t have to.  Levi does it himself.  He walks over to our table and extends his hand to Jerry.

“Hi, I’m Levi, a very good friend of Cheetahtort.”  He winks. 

I blush and think back to the text messages and e-mails I received from him a couple years ago.  Baby I want you - only you.  We can do this - don’t worry, our family doesn’t need to know about us.  Nobody needs to know.  It’s just you and me.

There was no way he and I could ever be together because of our families.  But it sure was fun to dream.  He’s delicious!

“Nice to meet you, I’m Jerry.”

That was nice – I didn’t even have to explain who Jerry was. 

“Alright Cheetahtort, I got to get back to my friend, you two have a good time.” He looks confused, not understanding this hook up.

Then I do something I’ve never done on a first date.  Knowing this date is going nowhere, I ask Jerry if he minds me having a cigarette. 

“Not at all, but you do know those are going to kill you.” 

This man who snorts cocaine, smokes pot, goes to seedy neighborhoods for drugs and gets guns pointed to his head is telling me this is going to kill me.  Maybe he should be taking his own advice and start taking better care of himself.  I know I need to quit.  I don’t need him telling me to.  Especially him.

We then resume our conversation.  

When Jerry was telling me that his divorce reeked havoc to his finances and he had to file bankruptcy, I looked over to Levi wanting to be rescued.  Levi was busy talking to his friend.

When Jerry was telling me that he rents out the basement of a house and needs one of his brothers to help him pay his bills, my eyes darted over to Levi once again then Sean.  Hello guys!  Need some help over here!  But once again – the two men I thought I could count on are not paying attention.

When Jerry was telling me that his two other brothers no longer talk to him or allow him around their kids, as he is a bad influence, I finally stood up and excused myself to the restroom, hoping he didn’t hear the sigh of despair that escaped me.     

Screw it.  I’m rescuing myself.

I get into the restroom and text Bella.

I’m leaving!

“Oh wow!  I will be done soon.” She texts back.  I laugh at her text message and think she must not be having a good time either.  I can’t wait to hear her story.

I get back to the table and notice the server was leaving the bill.  He grabs it and I offer to pay for my two glasses of wine. 

“I’ve got this Cheetahtort.  I would really like to see you again.  What are you doing this weekend?”

Becoming a lesbian, joining a convent, stabbing myself in the eye with a fork; all better options than going through more of this.

 “Oh, I’m sooo busy, I’m sorry.”  I say hoping he will get the hint.

He doesn’t.

“When are you not busy?”

“Um, Well, I have to work my part-time job, um.”  I pause trying desperately to come up with something.  I’ve got nothing.  “I guess Thursday.”  I say not prepared to lie.

“Would you like to go to a wine tasting on Thursday with me?”

“Sure.  I can do that.”  I say knowing darn well that tomorrow I’ll be sending him my regular ‘Dear John’ note saying, I had a really nice time with you last night, but I just don’t think we are a good match.  I wish you the best in your search.

I thank him for my wine and get up from the table.  He walks beside me and puts his hand at the small of my back guiding me out of the bar.  He has a massive grin on his face. 

“This is amazing!  I love this!” he says motioning to his and my body.  “You are a tall woman.  I think we fit together nicely.”

He gives me an awkward hug and tries to give me a kiss on the cheek.  I don’t think he made a connection as I pulled away too fast and say what Chandler from Friends always said at the end of his bad dates and hates himself for it.  “I’ll call you.”

Meanwhile, Bella is still suffering through her date. 

As I’m driving home I get a text message from Bella.

Meet me at Crazy Henry’s in 15 minutes.

Perfect.

We walk into Crazy Henry’s and just start laughing at each other knowing we had stories to share.

We belly up to the bar on the outside patio. 

“I think I’ll stay single,” Bella says frustrated. 

“I hear ya – tell me your story!”

“O.K. so we meet at Rednecks.  Of course he’s late.  Side note – why are they always late?”

“I know!  Mine was late too!  What happened to the gentlemen?”

“Seriously.  This guy shows up late and when he talks to me he couldn’t even look me in the eyes!  He kept looking around like he was one of those crazy people in a mental institution seeing things that weren’t there!  Oh God, it was so frustrating!” 

Bella pauses thinking about this horrible date.

“Cheetahtort!  I think I interrupted his normal night of playing with his Star Wars action figures!”  She says then does her famous endearing chortle. 

This makes me almost spit out my sip of beer.

“The whole night was so awkward!  You know when I saw his picture and read his profile, I thought he was good looking, had a personality and possibly friends.  He was cute, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t think he gets out much.  

I asked him when there was a lull in the conversation, ‘What do you like to do?  What are your hobbies?’  He said he gets out to maybe a happy hour once a week.  That’s it; nothing more.  No softball, no boating, no reading, no favorite movies, no explanation on anything.”

I’m sitting there staring at her, listening to her bad experience.  It was almost comforting that we both went through the same thing tonight.  But it also made me sad, I don’t want my friends to be going through the hard time I’ve been having.

“Because he didn’t have much to say to that question and because he didn’t answer these questions on his profile, I asked him, ‘What five things can’t you live without?’  Bella continues.

“It took him forever to answer this question.  I think this because he was busy trying to focus on the things in the room that weren’t there.  Maybe they were there.  I don’t know.  Maybe I should be worried that I don’t see what he sees.”

“At one point, Cheetahtort, I had to put my hand in front of his face trying to bring him back to reality.  He finally answers with his list and in this order.  He was adamant about the order. . .”

1. Cell phone (She thought, who is he calling and who’s calling him? And why is this #1?)
2. Football (OK, she likes football too.)
3. Coors Light  (Once again, she couldn’t blame him there except I like a bit better quality of beer.)
4. Computer
5. Family (If this list in order of importance, why is this last?)

“That’s when I went to the ladies room and received your text that you were leaving.  I quickly went back to the table and said I needed to go.  He paid for my two beers and almost looked relieved that I needed to go.  I don’t think he could take the pressure of being away from his action figures.  We walked to the valet to get my car.  He stood by me for a second until I said, ‘It’s OK, I can wait by myself.”

‘Are you sure?’ He asked still dreaming about what Darth Vador is doing without him. 

‘Oh, I’m sure.’  Bella said and with that he runs to his car.  Literally runs!”

We are both laughing and snorting loudly that people around us at Crazy Henry’s are starting to look at us like we are crazy.

I pull out my phone to see what’s going on while we are laughing about our dates.

“Bella!  Scary Jerry just texted me!”

“Oh God, what did he have to say?”

Thanks for meeting me and you really struck me as a spiritual woman and very much a warm and caring person.  I promise to let you lead and I respect you.  Looking forward to next week.

“Don’t respond Cheetahtort.”  Bella tells me.  But I have the thought in the back of my head to send his “Dear John note.”

We drink our beers and have to make it a night as we both have to work in the morning.

The next morning, I decide to send him his “Dear John, or Dear Scary Jerry note” early.

Good Morning Jerry.  Thank you again for last night.  It was very nice meeting you – but I just don’t think we are a good match.  I wish you the best in your search.

I press send and feel better that’s over.  Now I can get some work done.

I hear back from him quickly.

I am so wishing you would give me an opportunity to be with you . . . just thought we got along well.

Ugh, gross.  I don’t respond.

Another text comes from him two minutes later.

I just got off the phone with my sister . . . she said I need to find a good Catholic woman!  Thought I did LOL.

Ugh, still don’t respond.

A whole 3 minutes pass and I get yet another text from Scary Jerry.

Laugh as long as you breath . . . Love as long as you live.  Take care.  I am going to mass this weekend as you so inspired me.  Have a great weekend.

Is he quoting me a poem?  This bothers me to the core.  Is he really bringing up a topic that I talked about for a split second where I didn’t even think he was listening? 

I think he’s done and I can wash away the Scary Jerry. 

Oh, but no – another text comes in.

Last time . . . you have no idea how disappointed I am . . . not going to beg . . . if you want a man that will give all of his heart . . . and respect and treasure you . . . let me know.

He said last time.  Whew!  I believe him.  Now I can really go back to not thinking about Scary Jerry!

Bella asks me out to a movie.  We go see “Friends with Benefits” as we both absolutely love Justin Timberlake.  BTW, he shows his beautiful butt and it’s delicious!  Go see it if just to see JT’s nice ass!

We have a fabulous time at the movie and walk out.  Of course we check our phones before we are even out of the theatre.

“Bella!  Again!  He’s texted me again!”

“Shut up!  Now what?  This is seriously getting out of hand!”

“You read it, I can’t.”

Bella takes my phone, obviously upset that this guy is not getting the clear hints I’ve been giving him.

“O.K.  here goes,”  Bella says and starts reading.

I am a very spiritual person. . . I believe you are too.  I feel you have a good soul.  Read your e-mail on the internet dating site!  Oh BTW, I love to ski!

Cheetahtort!  Let me write back!  I want to say a few words to this man.” Bella says like the good bodyguard she is.  She’s going to bust some balls.  And I’m going to let her.

I have a shiver running up my spine!  I’m really starting to get scared.  What if I have a true scary man this time.

“Wait – did he say read your e-mail?  Is there yet another message from him?” I ask Bella trying my best to read the message again.

“Oh yeah – he did say that – can we look from your phone?”  Bella asks.

We find our way to my internet dating site to read another message from Scary Jerry.

Let me keep this simple . . . give me two nice dates . . . after that whatever you decide is way good Cheetahtort . . . you are special . . . warm hearted woman and your smile warmed my heart.  I wouldn’t normally grobble like this but I am a fighter when it comes to my heart and what it tells me through God’s will.  It’s hard to follow what the heart of your spirit tells you as most have been hurt . . . risk is a part of courtship . . . not exactly a Cinderella fantasy . . . it’s two people with fears . . . two people with passion . . . with dreams and hopes and through the grace of God somehow make one connection that leads to love.  OK I have poured my preverbal heart. . . aorta.  Kitchen sink.  Let me know Jerry.

“Who does this?  Seriously?  Does he think this is going to get you to want him?  Does he think ‘Oh yeah – now that you’ve said this I WANT YOU!   I’m texting him back for you Cheetahtort!”

She does.

I’m asking you nicely to please stop contacting me.

“Thank you Bella.” I say when she hands me back my phone.

“I’m here for you!  If he contacts you again, let me know!  No need to be scared.  He doesn’t know where you live.” Bella reassures me.

One minute later my phone chime rings.

Done.

Bella and I look at each other thinking mission done.

Does he mean it?  For some reason I’m not reassured.  I’ll keep you posted.