Meet Your New Mommy!

O.K., so I work a part-time job at a local liquor/wine shop.   This job helps me pay for these lousy dates when I have to.  I would never expect the date buy my drinks or dinner when I know I will never see them again.  That is not what some of my friends think.  They think the man should always buy.  What do you think?

If there are men out there going on as many bad dates as I am plus paying for the dates 100% of the time, I would think they would go broke.  Broke for nothing!  Not even a kiss in return.     

Well, anyway – back to my part-time job . . . 

The bonus of this part-time job is the opportunity to meet a lot of interesting people and I have a lot of “regulars” that come in to visit.  I’m pretty much stuck behind that counter and many times people just want to chat.  I’m their bartender “Issac from The Love Boat, or Sam from Cheers” and they all just want/need someone to talk to.  I’m more than willing to oblige as it helps make the time move along faster.

Today’s story will be about one “regular” in particular that came in all the time.  He would buy a case of beer at least three times a week!  Seriously, three times a week!   It could have been more, but that’s the amount of times I work a week and he was in every night I worked.  Who can drink that much?  What does his liver look like? 

He was a nice enough guy, very long dirty blonde hair.  He seemed shy as he didn’t say much.  He would just walk in, smile at me, get his case of beer, smile some more, say just a few words, blush, pay for his beer and tell me to have a nice day and leave.  I really didn’t think too much about him. He was just my shy, case of beer a day, regular.  Until one day he came in with very short hair!  I did a double take.    

“Wow! – you cut your hair!  Why?”  I said when I finally realized who he was.

 He told me he had a very close friend that had brain cancer.  He purposely grew out his hair to donate it one day to Locks of Love.  Well, being the softy that I am, I was caught up with his story and had to ask him a million questions.  A small friendship started.  We would have a little more small talk each time he came in.  I found out he lives near my friend Maddie out in Autumn Park.  I told him I go out that way all the time, especially during the summer.  “Actually I might be going out there this weekend to go to Lake Side Bar.” 

“Really, well, maybe I’ll see you!” He said excitedly.

He came in the store the following Monday to get his case of beer.  “I looked for you at Lake Side.  Did you go?  I didn’t see you.”

“No, a couple things came up and we were unable to get there.  Did you have a good time?”

“Sure, but I WENT to see you.  I was a little disappointed I didn’t.”  He said with a hint of resentment in his voice.  Maybe I was imagining it – was he mad?  We didn’t make a date.  I was just informing a friend/acquaintance that I might go to a bar in his neighborhood.  (This was my first pink flag.)

“I’m sorry – we just had a change of plans.” I said dismissing it.

During the following weeks, we’d have our small talks and he would continually ask when I was coming out to his neck of the woods again.  “Are you ever coming out to Lake Side again?”  He said in front of a couple co-workers of mine.  They gave me a look that screamed – is this guy asking you out???

“Ha!  Yes, actually –I’m going to be out there this Friday celebrating a girlfriend’s birthday.”

He gives me a huge smile and says “Well, I hope I get to see you!”

I get out of work early on that Friday.  My friends and I head out to Big Lake to go boating.  It’s a bunch of us, about four boats total.  We tie the boats together and have a middle-of-the-lake party.  We have a number of cocktails, play water sports, listen to good music, ski, tube and lay in the sun.  We had a great time. 

We are out in the sun for a good 5 or 6 hours.  We decide to go home, eat and maybe take a nap before we go out for the evening festivities at Lake Side.

Once home, we eat and lay down for a nap.  I don’t like to nap.  When I nap I get more tired so this is never a good idea in my book.  This is exactly what happens.  Maddie and I are sawing logs and it takes a lot of effort from the birthday girl to get us up and out.   We are so tired and really don’t want to go.  All we want to do is relax and enjoy a night in.  But Birthday Girl won’t have it.  So we get ready and go. 

Lake Side Bar is packed!  Packed with young beautiful people!  I look at Maddie and say “I need a cocktail!”  As I say this – I see “once long hair/now short hair guy” (OLHNSH) walking my way with a big smile on his face.

 “You made it!  I didn’t think you were going to come again! When I didn’t see you here I walked over to Rascal’s to see if you decided to go there instead.  When I didn’t see you there I came back here.  I’ve been waiting for two hours and you are now finally here!  I thought you might stand me up again!”  He says so fast it was hard to keep up with him.  I felt like he was really upset at first then truly relieved that I finally showed up.

Why on earth would he walk to the two bars looking for me?  Why would he wait for me for two hours?  THIS ISN’T A DATE! (2^nd pink flag)

“I’m sorry – we took a nap and it took a lot of coaxing to get us going” I say nervously and smile at him.  I’m not sure I’m keen on someone I don’t know and haven’t made plans with getting upset with me that I wasn’t  there on time.  There wasn’t a date and time set up!  I even forgot I told him I’d be there. 

“I’m getting a drink – you want one?”  I look over to Maddie and she looks at me with a furrowed brow. 

“Who the hell is this guy?”  she says quietly so only I can hear. 

As we are getting our drinks – I whisper in her ear “This is the ‘regular’ I was telling you about.” 

I introduce the two of them.  I tell Maddie that OLHNSH comes in the liquor store every night to buy a case of beer.  She looks at me with wide eyes and I know what she’s thinking because I’m thinking the same thing!  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  WHO DRINKS THAT MUCH? 

He laughs and says – “Cheetahtort – I don’t actually drink all those cases!  I only come in the store to see you and feel like I need to buy something!”

I smile at him but I know that’s not 100% true.  He could buy a six pack or a single can of beer – but a whole case?   

With drinks in hand, we actually find a place to sit, which was a miracle as the place was so crowded.  I was drinking an Electric Lemonade.  They are so delicious and I needed the extra push to liven up.  Maddie wasn’t as aggressive as I was and had a beer.  I’m not sure what OLHNSH was drinking. 

I was explaining to Maddie how I know OLHNSH.  We had a nice time talking about the liquor store and how you can meet a lot of interesting people.  I could tell Maddie wasn’t going to make it much longer.  She was so tired.  I was too but I felt like I had to entertain him.  We all look over to the Birthday Girl and she’s at a total different level than us!  She has about 6 different good looking men surrounding her, she’s laughing and whipping her hair around.  She’s a sight.

The three of us laugh and I say “She’s young.”   I wish I were that young again. 

 “Cheetahtort – I’m sorry, I really need to go home.  I’m so tired I think I might fall into the lake and drown.” said Maddie.

I don’t blame her and really want to go as well.  Drinking in the sun all day really drains a body. 

“If you want to go home Maddie, I can walk Cheetahtort home.”  OLHNSH says thinking this might work out well for him.  “I’d be happy to!”  He adds and then tries to hold my hand and I move it out of the way awkwardly. 

Do I want to stay here with him?  I don’t even know him.  I’m not sure I even like him.  He’s not even cute – maybe even on the creepy side.  Why not, he’s a nice guy.  Let’s see what happens.  Maybe I’ll have a story to tell.

So I stay trying to be optimistic.  Maddie looks over at OLHNSH and says – “straight home – no funny business.  I know what you look like and I know where you live!”

He laughs and says “She’s in good hands.”

“Give me a call if you need me!” she says while giving me a big hug. 

“Oh, he’s harmless, what can he do?” I say back. 

What am I doing?  Is he harmless?  I’m not even sure he’s normal – he does drink a lot.  And he seems soooo eager!

“I’ve wanted to go out with you for a long time now, Cheetahtort.”  He says once Maddie is out of ear shot.  “I would love it if you were my girlfriend!  I would think I’ve made it if I had a girl like you as my girlfriend!” 

Wow!  Forward!  Uncomfortable!  Where did the shy guy from the liquor store go? 

He sees that I have an empty glass in front of me and instantly jumps up to get me a new drink.  While he’s away, Birthday Girl runs up to me and says “Cheetahtort – you crazy girl!  Who’s this guy?” 

“Oh he’s just one of my liquor store regulars.”  I say not really wanting to get into everything with her.  Especially because she won’t remember this conversation in the state she’s in. 

“He’s cute – good for you!  Have fun, lady!”

Cute?  I don’t believe I would describe him as cute.

He comes back with our drinks; I look at the drink he’s offering me trying to judge how long it will take for me to consume it, so I can go home.  At this point – the guy really hasn’t done anything wrong for me to feel this way – but I still get a creepy vibe from him.

I get half way through my drink and say – “I’m sorry OLHNSH I’m just so tired – I really need to be getting home.”

He looks sooo disappointed.  I don’t care – I just want to get home.

He takes my hand and says “OK – let’s get going.”

We walk down the street and across the bridge.  Once we get to the middle of the bridge – he grabs me and pushes me to the wall and kisses me.  He says “I’ve always wanted to do that to someone I love!”

“Oh my God – what are you doing?” I yell.

“Didn’t you think that was romantic?  I thought all girls liked that kind of stuff.” 

Yes, we do – but with men we actually know and at least like!

“But, I don’t know you!  Please don’t do that again!” 

We walk by his apartment on our way to Maddie’s apartment.  He says “I have to stop here to use the restroom.  Do you want to come up with me or do you want to wait out here?”

I ponder this question . . . Do I want to go up to this man’s apartment that I don’t know or do I want to stand here in the dark all by myself?  Which is the better option?

 I find out soon what the better option would have been.

I look around and say “Maybe I should go up with you.” 

He looks pleased and takes my hand. 

We go up to his apartment.  I’m expecting to see photos of me plastered all over his walls with little quote clouds saying how much we love each other.  Luckily I don’t.

When we get into his living room his cat rubs up against my leg.  “Meet your new Mommy!” he says bending over to pet his cat.  (RED FLAG!!!  RED FLAG!!!)

WHAT!!!!????????  I’m screaming in my head!!!  – where’s the door – I need to get out!!!  He just introduced me to his cat as its new Mommy! 

He stands up and starts to show me pictures of his family.  “They are going to love you – just as much as I love you.”     (RED RED FLAG!)

This has got to be a joke!  Am I on MTV’s Punked?  Seriously, this cannot be happening.  He’s really scaring me!  I really want out!

I smile at him – like anyone would looking at a crazy person trying not to spook them; trying to placate them until you can run.  And run like hell! 

But I don’t really know where I am.  I don’t know where Maddie’s apartment is from here.  This is where I really should be a strong woman and take care of myself and venture out into the darkness and find my own way home.  I truly believe this is the safest route for me to take.

“I really should be getting home.  I’ll let myself out.”

“Don’t be silly, I said I would walk you home and that’s exactly what I’m going to do.”

On our way out I look in his kitchen and see all the EMPTY cases of beer.   Really?  (“Cheetahtort – I don’t actually drink all those cases!  I only come in the store to see you and feel like I need to buy something!”)

Finally we are outside.  Oh thank goodness, we are on our way home.

Nope.

“Cheetahtort – I need to show you where you will park when you come to see me.  You’ll just come up this driveway and this is my garage.  Sweetie, you can park here.” he said, point to it.

Why does he think we are now a couple?  Why does he not see that I’m not happy and I’m now begging to go home?  Is he really this clueless that all I keep saying is that I really need to be getting home?

“Thank you OLHNSH but I really need to get going – Maddie is probably wondering where I am.  Remember she threatened you!”  I say trying to make light of this absolutely horrible situation I put myself into.

He comes up to me and gives me a kiss.  I turn my face. 

“Why did you turn your face?  I’m just trying to show you some loving.”

“Thank you – but I’m just so tired.  I need to get home.” 

“O.K. lets get this sleepy girl home.”  He takes my hand and we walk by his pool.  “This is where you’ll wear your cute bikini when we lay out by the pool together.”

“Um mmm . . . ”  I say not wanting to say another word to prolong this situation.

I finally recognize the area.  I know where I am. The relief washes over me.  I’m almost in my safe zone and away from this guy. 

Then I realize – I don’t have her key to get in the door!  I panic!  I didn’t bring a key!  Now what am I going to do? 

“I don’t have a key to her apartment!”  I hear myself scream. 

He smiles at me – takes my hand and squeezes it.  “Honey, you can stay with me.”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!  There is no way in hell that’s going to happen! 

I realize I don’t even have my phone with me!  I thought maybe I could call Maddie to wake her up to open the door. 

“I don’t even have my phone!” I scream again and my hands rush to my face.  I feel faint.

“I have my phone.” He says.  “What’s her number?”

“I don’t know – who knows what other people’s phone numbers are these days!  It’s programmed into my phone!”

I yell up to her window “MADDIE!!!!!!  WAKE UP!!!!!  I’M DOWN HERE – OPEN THE DOOR!!!!!”

No answer.  I’m praying and realize it’s out loud.  “Please Lord, Please have her wake up!  Please, I promise to be good if you have her wake up and answer the door!”

I notice he’s staring at me and looks upset that I want her to open the door so badly.

I yell again – semi afraid that I will wake all the neighbors and they will call the police.  But on second thought that would be safer!

“MADDIE!!!!!!!!!  IT’S CHEETAHTORT!!!!!  OPEN THE DOOR!!!!!!”

Nothing.

The only thing I can think is – I know my own number and my phone is by her bed.  If she hears that ringing – maybe she’ll check it and answer it.  But this means giving this crazy man my number! 

I stand there weighing my options.  Do I spend the night out here with this crazy man?   NO, NO, NO!!  Or do I give him my number to call my phone and wake Maddie up!  If I give him my number – he HAS my number!  He’ll start to call me!  I don’t want that!

But, I know I really have no choice.

“Honey – it’s OK – you can spend the night with me!”  He says once again. 

I hang my head defeated.  “Can you try to call my phone number?  Maybe she’ll hear that?” I said just giving up.

“You bet!  What’s your number?”

I give it to him.  He calls. 

Maddie comes up to the window with my phone in her hand and yells from the window.  “What are you doing?!  I put the carpet in the door!  You can get in!”   The look on her face says I just woke her from the wonderful splendor of sleep and she was PISSED!

I run to the door!  The carpet is in the door!  Why oh why didn’t I check first!!!!

I turn and thank him for the walk home.  He says “Honey, let me walk you to the door.  I want to make sure you get in alright.”

“Oh, you’ve done enough tonight!  I’m done!  Goodnight!”

I pull the carpet lose and close the door.  I run to her apartment.  Never looking back. 

She’s standing there with the door open, tapping her foot, scowling at me.  “You woke me up – this better be good.”

I didn’t disappoint.

We laid in bed laughing about the whole scary situation and how I get myself into these predicaments!

Once she fell asleep again – I sat up and thought about how stupid I was to go with him alone.  Not a smart move on my part.

OSHNLH called me about a dozen times.  He still came into the store three times a week to buy his case of beer.  I never talked to him.  I would talk to the other customers around him– but NEVER to him. 

He continued to come in for another year.  But finally one day he stopped.  I thought I was free and clear of Mr. Scary.    

But . . . about two months after he stopped coming into the store he found me on a dating site and left me a message.  He said “See, even this site thinks we are a good match!”

Ugg.