I Love Tall Women

Before I add the latest post, I have to give a huge "Thank You" to my good friends for their help!  Maddie - You're the best Beta ever!  I appreciate all your input and time.  I love you much! 

Bella!  Thank you for sharing your stories with me.  I'll be adding more of yours.  :)  Love you much!

On with the show . . .

I love tall women, read the latest message I’ve received from one of my internet dating site visitors.

I click on his pictures to see who this verbose, eloquent, pursuer might be.

I see a nice goatee’d, bald-headed, tall man smiling at me.  I click over to his essay section and read his synopsis of himself.  Kind, honest, doesn’t do drugs, loves to live life to the fullest, loves to travel, family and friends are very important – the usual profile mumbo jumbo.

He’s not bad to look at, seems like he’s got a good job plus going to school for psychology. 

Hmmmmm – he might be one I’d like to meet.  But his message, I love tall women, did not have me swooning for him.  If a pursuer wants to capture the heart of a woman, shouldn’t he try a little harder?  I guess this was more than some other messages I’ve received, like Hi.  Or, Your cute.  Yes, your and not you’re.  Hey Beautiful.  And my favorite- Winning!

I decide I’ll put in as much effort as he had and write back to him, I love tall men.

I instantly get a response that reads, Well then . . . we have something to start with.  Would you like to grab a cup of coffee or a drink sometime? – Jerry.

This guy moves fast.  I think he skipped a few steps.  Where’s the step where we go back and forth with questions and comments like, I really enjoyed reading your profile, it looks as though we have a lot in common.  How are you enjoying this weather?  Do you have big plans for this weekend?  Ask me any question, I’m an open book.  I hope to hear from you. 

Where’s the step where we exchange the phone numbers and then finally get the nerve to call and talk for the first time?

I’ve been under the impression that only after you do all the banal questions do you get the nerve to ask someone out. 

But this guy jumps all the steps and asks me out right away. 

This is kind of refreshing.  Let’s nip this in the bud and meet right away so you’re not wasting valuable time.  Anyone can say the right things when you have time to think about it in front of your computer.  But if you are sitting face to face, you can see their facial reactions, their smiles, how they answer questions on the fly, do they have a scary laugh?; you know, really get to know them. 

He might be onto something here with skipping these steps.

We figure out a time and place to meet. 

At work on the day of the first meeting I get an instant message from my girlfriend Bella.  You know the one that encouraged me to get on this dating site.  She also has a first meeting tonight.

B: You nervous for tonight?

C: I don’t get nervous anymore.  You?

B: Not really.  We’re meeting at Rednecks.  Where are you going?

C:  Funny!  We’ll be so close I’ll be down the road from you at 7’s.  If these dates don’t work out for us – we should meet up and commiserate!

B: LMAO!  Text me when you’re done .

C: You too!  We could meet at Crazy Henry’s for a couple

B:  Oooooooo  I like the sound of that!  Kind of makes me not want to go on the date now.  I just want to go to Crazy Henry’s with you.

C:  Me too!  But I do hope these dates work out for us.

B: Me too.  Are you going to let him kiss you?

C:  LOL!!  Gosh NO!  Unless he’s extremely good looking or I’m extremely drunk!  You?

B: 

NO WAY

!  Good Luck!

C:  You too – I’ll text when I’m done.

He’s late.  I decide to grab a seat instead of waiting in the lobby for him.  While following the hostess to the table I run into a girlfriend’s husband.  He gives me a big hug.

“What are you doing here?” Sean says while hugging me.

“I’m on a first date.”

“Blind date?”

“Yep.”

“Well, I’m sitting right over here if you need me!”  He says laughing.

“I might take you up on that.  I’ll give you a look and you can walk over and yell at him saying - What are you doing with my wife!”  I say back to Sean while grabbing his hand to point out his ring.

“You do have your ring on – right?” I say noticing he doesn’t.

He looks nervously down at his hand and says “Um – no, I was playing softball and um took it off.  I forgot to put it back on.”

This was suspicious to me.  He was dressed in his work clothes and it didn’t look at all like he had been playing softball.  Why would he lie?  Men!  Well, none of my business.

“Well, keep an eye out for me, but I hope I won’t need you.  Good to see you Sean.”

“You too, good luck Cheetahtort.”

I sit down, ordered myself a glass of wine and waited 20 minutes for him. 

He finally shows up, apologizes for being late and gives me an awkward hug.

“Your pictures don’t do you justice.”  He says while sitting down across from me.

I blush and say “Thank you, that’s nice of you to say.”

He just sits there and stares at me.  I’m wondering if he’s expecting the same compliment back.  It didn’t come. 

He looks just like his pictures.  There were no surprises.  He’s 6’5”, bald, has a goatee, a nice smile, and pretty green eyes.

The date starts out nice.  He’s very nice and a talkative guy.  He tells me about his job, his two boys, and how he ended up moving here.  I find out after his first beer that all that he told me before that beer was totally sugar coated.

At one point, his eyes well up and a tear falls to his cheek.  Is he crying?!  I’m shocked and have no idea what’s going on. 

“Cheetahtort, I’m sorry – I don’t normally tell people right away about my past, but there’s something about you.  I feel I could say anything to you.”

Oh gosh, here we go, once again, a man with issues and baggage.  I sit back in my high-top bar stool and brace myself for what’s about to be dumped on me.

“I recently got out of rehab for abusing cocaine.”  He says peering at me waiting for my reaction.

I have no visible reaction to him except the things racing through my mind:  Really?  Again?  Is everyone on drugs?  Why do I keep meeting these men?  Am I supposed to be their psychiatrist? Their sounding boards?  Is this my calling in life – having to endure dates with men that have drug and alcohol problems?

“How did that go for you?”  I say as I see him taking another gulp of his beer.  Should addicts really be drinking? 

He sees me eying his drink.

“I can still drink Cheetahtort.  Alcohol is not what I went in for.  True, my doctors would argue with me about my drinking or my smoking pot, but I don’t have a problem with those chemicals.  I just have a problem with cocaine.”

Oh great – he’s a pot head too.

 “So, how are you doing?”

“Cheetahtort, I’ve never been happier.  I’m healthy, I’m getting my life back in order.  My divorce is because of the cocaine; she did it too.  She’s actually the one that introduced it to me.  I did some pretty bad things while using.  I did really stupid things.  I won’t get into everything with you right now, but maybe later.”

He says this like I want to hear more.  I want to check my face in the mirror.  Does it look like I want to know or even care?

“But I had to hit rock bottom and I did.  I went to a seedy part of town for more drugs.  I found two men that were willing to sell to me.  They then proceeded to put their guns to my head and stole my wallet, phone and lastly my car.  I had to walk 22 miles in these flip flops to get home.” He says while pointing out his worn out sandals.

“That was your rock bottom?”

“Oh yes, I’m done Cheetahtort.”

“Well, I hope you are on the right track now.  Good for you going into rehab and asking for help.”  I say trying to sound caring and supportive. 

I see two men walking over to the table near us.  I start to smile as I recognize one of them – a girlfriend’s little brother, Levi. 

Levi sees me, gives me his big beautiful smile and yells, “Cheetahtort!”

Ugh, this is awkward.  I don’t want to introduce Levi to Jerry.  Turns out I don’t have to.  Levi does it himself.  He walks over to our table and extends his hand to Jerry.

“Hi, I’m Levi, a very good friend of Cheetahtort.”  He winks. 

I blush and think back to the text messages and e-mails I received from him a couple years ago.  Baby I want you - only you.  We can do this - don’t worry, our family doesn’t need to know about us.  Nobody needs to know.  It’s just you and me.

There was no way he and I could ever be together because of our families.  But it sure was fun to dream.  He’s delicious!

“Nice to meet you, I’m Jerry.”

That was nice – I didn’t even have to explain who Jerry was. 

“Alright Cheetahtort, I got to get back to my friend, you two have a good time.” He looks confused, not understanding this hook up.

Then I do something I’ve never done on a first date.  Knowing this date is going nowhere, I ask Jerry if he minds me having a cigarette. 

“Not at all, but you do know those are going to kill you.” 

This man who snorts cocaine, smokes pot, goes to seedy neighborhoods for drugs and gets guns pointed to his head is telling me this is going to kill me.  Maybe he should be taking his own advice and start taking better care of himself.  I know I need to quit.  I don’t need him telling me to.  Especially him.

We then resume our conversation.  

When Jerry was telling me that his divorce reeked havoc to his finances and he had to file bankruptcy, I looked over to Levi wanting to be rescued.  Levi was busy talking to his friend.

When Jerry was telling me that he rents out the basement of a house and needs one of his brothers to help him pay his bills, my eyes darted over to Levi once again then Sean.  Hello guys!  Need some help over here!  But once again – the two men I thought I could count on are not paying attention.

When Jerry was telling me that his two other brothers no longer talk to him or allow him around their kids, as he is a bad influence, I finally stood up and excused myself to the restroom, hoping he didn’t hear the sigh of despair that escaped me.     

Screw it.  I’m rescuing myself.

I get into the restroom and text Bella.

I’m leaving!

“Oh wow!  I will be done soon.” She texts back.  I laugh at her text message and think she must not be having a good time either.  I can’t wait to hear her story.

I get back to the table and notice the server was leaving the bill.  He grabs it and I offer to pay for my two glasses of wine. 

“I’ve got this Cheetahtort.  I would really like to see you again.  What are you doing this weekend?”

Becoming a lesbian, joining a convent, stabbing myself in the eye with a fork; all better options than going through more of this.

 “Oh, I’m sooo busy, I’m sorry.”  I say hoping he will get the hint.

He doesn’t.

“When are you not busy?”

“Um, Well, I have to work my part-time job, um.”  I pause trying desperately to come up with something.  I’ve got nothing.  “I guess Thursday.”  I say not prepared to lie.

“Would you like to go to a wine tasting on Thursday with me?”

“Sure.  I can do that.”  I say knowing darn well that tomorrow I’ll be sending him my regular ‘Dear John’ note saying, I had a really nice time with you last night, but I just don’t think we are a good match.  I wish you the best in your search.

I thank him for my wine and get up from the table.  He walks beside me and puts his hand at the small of my back guiding me out of the bar.  He has a massive grin on his face. 

“This is amazing!  I love this!” he says motioning to his and my body.  “You are a tall woman.  I think we fit together nicely.”

He gives me an awkward hug and tries to give me a kiss on the cheek.  I don’t think he made a connection as I pulled away too fast and say what Chandler from Friends always said at the end of his bad dates and hates himself for it.  “I’ll call you.”

Meanwhile, Bella is still suffering through her date. 

As I’m driving home I get a text message from Bella.

Meet me at Crazy Henry’s in 15 minutes.

Perfect.

We walk into Crazy Henry’s and just start laughing at each other knowing we had stories to share.

We belly up to the bar on the outside patio. 

“I think I’ll stay single,” Bella says frustrated. 

“I hear ya – tell me your story!”

“O.K. so we meet at Rednecks.  Of course he’s late.  Side note – why are they always late?”

“I know!  Mine was late too!  What happened to the gentlemen?”

“Seriously.  This guy shows up late and when he talks to me he couldn’t even look me in the eyes!  He kept looking around like he was one of those crazy people in a mental institution seeing things that weren’t there!  Oh God, it was so frustrating!” 

Bella pauses thinking about this horrible date.

“Cheetahtort!  I think I interrupted his normal night of playing with his Star Wars action figures!”  She says then does her famous endearing chortle. 

This makes me almost spit out my sip of beer.

“The whole night was so awkward!  You know when I saw his picture and read his profile, I thought he was good looking, had a personality and possibly friends.  He was cute, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t think he gets out much.  

I asked him when there was a lull in the conversation, ‘What do you like to do?  What are your hobbies?’  He said he gets out to maybe a happy hour once a week.  That’s it; nothing more.  No softball, no boating, no reading, no favorite movies, no explanation on anything.”

I’m sitting there staring at her, listening to her bad experience.  It was almost comforting that we both went through the same thing tonight.  But it also made me sad, I don’t want my friends to be going through the hard time I’ve been having.

“Because he didn’t have much to say to that question and because he didn’t answer these questions on his profile, I asked him, ‘What five things can’t you live without?’  Bella continues.

“It took him forever to answer this question.  I think this because he was busy trying to focus on the things in the room that weren’t there.  Maybe they were there.  I don’t know.  Maybe I should be worried that I don’t see what he sees.”

“At one point, Cheetahtort, I had to put my hand in front of his face trying to bring him back to reality.  He finally answers with his list and in this order.  He was adamant about the order. . .”

1. Cell phone (She thought, who is he calling and who’s calling him? And why is this #1?)
2. Football (OK, she likes football too.)
3. Coors Light  (Once again, she couldn’t blame him there except I like a bit better quality of beer.)
4. Computer
5. Family (If this list in order of importance, why is this last?)

“That’s when I went to the ladies room and received your text that you were leaving.  I quickly went back to the table and said I needed to go.  He paid for my two beers and almost looked relieved that I needed to go.  I don’t think he could take the pressure of being away from his action figures.  We walked to the valet to get my car.  He stood by me for a second until I said, ‘It’s OK, I can wait by myself.”

‘Are you sure?’ He asked still dreaming about what Darth Vador is doing without him. 

‘Oh, I’m sure.’  Bella said and with that he runs to his car.  Literally runs!”

We are both laughing and snorting loudly that people around us at Crazy Henry’s are starting to look at us like we are crazy.

I pull out my phone to see what’s going on while we are laughing about our dates.

“Bella!  Scary Jerry just texted me!”

“Oh God, what did he have to say?”

Thanks for meeting me and you really struck me as a spiritual woman and very much a warm and caring person.  I promise to let you lead and I respect you.  Looking forward to next week.

“Don’t respond Cheetahtort.”  Bella tells me.  But I have the thought in the back of my head to send his “Dear John note.”

We drink our beers and have to make it a night as we both have to work in the morning.

The next morning, I decide to send him his “Dear John, or Dear Scary Jerry note” early.

Good Morning Jerry.  Thank you again for last night.  It was very nice meeting you – but I just don’t think we are a good match.  I wish you the best in your search.

I press send and feel better that’s over.  Now I can get some work done.

I hear back from him quickly.

I am so wishing you would give me an opportunity to be with you . . . just thought we got along well.

Ugh, gross.  I don’t respond.

Another text comes from him two minutes later.

I just got off the phone with my sister . . . she said I need to find a good Catholic woman!  Thought I did LOL.

Ugh, still don’t respond.

A whole 3 minutes pass and I get yet another text from Scary Jerry.

Laugh as long as you breath . . . Love as long as you live.  Take care.  I am going to mass this weekend as you so inspired me.  Have a great weekend.

Is he quoting me a poem?  This bothers me to the core.  Is he really bringing up a topic that I talked about for a split second where I didn’t even think he was listening? 

I think he’s done and I can wash away the Scary Jerry. 

Oh, but no – another text comes in.

Last time . . . you have no idea how disappointed I am . . . not going to beg . . . if you want a man that will give all of his heart . . . and respect and treasure you . . . let me know.

He said last time.  Whew!  I believe him.  Now I can really go back to not thinking about Scary Jerry!

Bella asks me out to a movie.  We go see “Friends with Benefits” as we both absolutely love Justin Timberlake.  BTW, he shows his beautiful butt and it’s delicious!  Go see it if just to see JT’s nice ass!

We have a fabulous time at the movie and walk out.  Of course we check our phones before we are even out of the theatre.

“Bella!  Again!  He’s texted me again!”

“Shut up!  Now what?  This is seriously getting out of hand!”

“You read it, I can’t.”

Bella takes my phone, obviously upset that this guy is not getting the clear hints I’ve been giving him.

“O.K.  here goes,”  Bella says and starts reading.

I am a very spiritual person. . . I believe you are too.  I feel you have a good soul.  Read your e-mail on the internet dating site!  Oh BTW, I love to ski!

Cheetahtort!  Let me write back!  I want to say a few words to this man.” Bella says like the good bodyguard she is.  She’s going to bust some balls.  And I’m going to let her.

I have a shiver running up my spine!  I’m really starting to get scared.  What if I have a true scary man this time.

“Wait – did he say read your e-mail?  Is there yet another message from him?” I ask Bella trying my best to read the message again.

“Oh yeah – he did say that – can we look from your phone?”  Bella asks.

We find our way to my internet dating site to read another message from Scary Jerry.

Let me keep this simple . . . give me two nice dates . . . after that whatever you decide is way good Cheetahtort . . . you are special . . . warm hearted woman and your smile warmed my heart.  I wouldn’t normally grobble like this but I am a fighter when it comes to my heart and what it tells me through God’s will.  It’s hard to follow what the heart of your spirit tells you as most have been hurt . . . risk is a part of courtship . . . not exactly a Cinderella fantasy . . . it’s two people with fears . . . two people with passion . . . with dreams and hopes and through the grace of God somehow make one connection that leads to love.  OK I have poured my preverbal heart. . . aorta.  Kitchen sink.  Let me know Jerry.

“Who does this?  Seriously?  Does he think this is going to get you to want him?  Does he think ‘Oh yeah – now that you’ve said this I WANT YOU!   I’m texting him back for you Cheetahtort!”

She does.

I’m asking you nicely to please stop contacting me.

“Thank you Bella.” I say when she hands me back my phone.

“I’m here for you!  If he contacts you again, let me know!  No need to be scared.  He doesn’t know where you live.” Bella reassures me.

One minute later my phone chime rings.

Done.

Bella and I look at each other thinking mission done.

Does he mean it?  For some reason I’m not reassured.  I’ll keep you posted.

Tooth Fairy?

Tooth Fairy?

“What do you have to lose Cheetahtort?” My good girlfriend Bella yelled at me while she was over to my house when we were supposed to be watching Dexter.  We had made it a plan to watch at least a couple of episodes once a month during the winter months.  I love these nights.  We pour the wine and catch up more than watch the show. 

“It’s a free site Cheetahtort.  You’re really not out anything except maybe the time going through all the loser e-mails.” Bella says.  “Yes, there are loser e-mails.” She continues when she sees my face turn sour.  “But I promise there are some good ones out there.  You really need to try it.  Just work through the loser e-mails, it will be worth it!  You never know.   You only live once!” Bella says convincing me to try yet another dating site.

 “But Bella, it’s a free site.  Do the men on there have jobs?  Are they living with their mothers?”  I ask laughing not convinced I should try this again. 

I remember I met a man that his mother actually took his keys away as a punishment.   Yep, a grown man getting grounded by his mother.  (True story)  I’ve only met CRAZY men and they were on the expensive sites, I can just imagine what I’d meet on a free one

“Cheetahtort – I’ve met some really nice guys.  You’ve heard my stories - remember Patrick?”

Bella is a petite beautiful blonde haired, blue eyed, fun spirited woman; the kind of woman that men want to be around.  Fun loving, cute and HOT body.  Men think they need to protect her.  But they have no idea what fire she has in her to protect herself.  This woman doesn’t take shit from anyone!  She may be small but not it in mind and spirit!

“Cheetahtort – Patrick!  Don’t you remember?  I met him on the site I just recommended.”

 “Remember, the ‘tooth fairy guy’?  He loved hockey, I told him I love hockey too as you know me I like to go to any sporting event especially if I can get in free!  Well, he thought a perfect date would be a hockey game.  I too thought it was an awesome first date.  I’m all for it.  I can get out, cheer for my favorite team, see extremely good looking hockey players missing their teeth, drink beer and have it all paid for by this guy I don’t even know.”

“Bella, you make me laugh, but what did Patrick look like?”  Knowing darn well, she wouldn’t go out with anyone that wasn’t up to par.  But I still had to ask. 

She gives me a look that says shut up!  I wouldn’t go out with anyone not worthy.

I smile at her knowing this look and want her to continue with her story.

“Can I tell you something?”  She says and we laugh together because this is her famous phrase when she wants to talk.  She may have snorted.  I’m just saying. J

“This guy was such a gentleman Cheetahtort.  He called me from the site, he set up the date, he totally took control instead of saying ‘I don’t know, what do you want to do?’” Bella says while lifting her eyebrow.  I know what this means.  He was a man that was about to satisfy her.   “He took me to the hockey game, we had great seats, he bought me beers, and he was handsome!”

She continued to tell me that she wasn’t feeling well on this date as she had just had two wisdom teeth taken out.  She was a trooper and put a smile on her face even though it felt like her mouth was two times its normal thickness.  She had told him earlier that she might not want to go.  He was kind enough to say “You’re the boss, tell me how you are feeling and whatever you say I’ll go with it.  I just want to see you, but I also want you to have a good time.”

She wasn’t feeling like her normal fun self, but she didn’t want to let a good date slip by so she consented.

Knowing she was just out of oral surgery, Patrick brought her a present to be kind and to remember their first date. 

What could it be?  Can you guess?

Nope, you’re wrong.  I know you’re wrong because I would never have guessed as well.

“Bella, I’m so happy you came with me tonight even though you are not feeling well.”  Patrick says like a man that really wants to win her heart.

“A present?” She asks with a swollen mouth lisp.

He gently takes a hold of her chin, and gives her his radiant smile.

“I just want you to remember this evening with me.” He says softly looking directly into her eyes.

Is this a dream or the vicodin the dentist gave me? Bella thinks.  Can a guy be this nice to a girl he doesn’t know yet?

Bella opens the present gently while giving him a look like are you for real?

“Tooth Fairy?”  She asks opening the present, grinning.  She’s a bit shy about her smile and covers her mouth with her hands.

He gently takes her hands away from her mouth and says, “Please don’t hide your smile.”

Tooth Fairy?  Bella thinks.  Why on earth would he buy me a video of “The Rock” as the tooth fairy? 

She realizes this is a movie about hockey and a tooth fairy.  They are going to a hockey game and she just had two teeth pulled. 

Realization hits her and she thanks him with a smile.

He’s thinking, yep, got her.

The home team wins in a shoot out. 

“What a fun game.” Bella says slurring her words because of her swollen mouth and the few beers she’s enjoyed throughout the evening.

“You must be their lucky charm Bella, they haven’t won for a couple games!”  He says grabbing her hand, raising it to his mouth and kissing it.

He then pulls her in closer to hug her.

She backs up trying to regain her steps and looks to him for reassurance. 

He puts his arms around her, “Let’s go beautiful Bella, I want to take you home.”

Take me home?  I don’t want this date to end! Bella thinks. 

They walk hand in hand to his car.  Every once in a while he would look over to her and smile.  She could tell he was really enjoying himself. 

Once at the car, he opens her door and reluctantly releases her hand and she gets in.  He runs to the other side of the car and lets himself in.  He sits down, looks over to her sighs and smiles. 

He looks so happy, Bella thought.

On the ride home he slowly and cautiously touches her leg.  She enjoys the touch.    

“Watch the road.” She screams to him when she sees him swerve into other lanes.

“No worries Bella, I’m sorry – I guess I’m just enjoying my time with you more than I should.  I’ll be more careful.”

He turns on some music and she gets comfortable. 

This guy is so nice!  I might really like this guy. 

The conversation was fun and easy.  She wished she lived further away as she wanted this night to continue.

He turns into her driveway, shuts off his car engine and looks over to her.

“Well, we’re here.”  He announces sadly as he wanted more time with her as well.

He gets out and walks over to her side of the car and helps her out.  Takes hold of her hand and they slowly walk to her door.

I can’t let him in. She thinks to herself.  I want to see this guy again.  She didn’t want a one night stand, but maybe a true relationship.

 “Thank you for tonight.  I had a really nice time.”  She says nervously hoping he would kiss her while her hands are searching her purse for her keys.

“I hope I’ll be invited in.” Patrick says with hope.

“I’d like that, really, but I just can’t tonight.”

“I understand.  I hope you feel better soon Bella.” Patrick says not letting go of her hands.

He slowly bends his head to hers, waiting for her to meet him halfway.  She does and they share a sweet soft kiss. 

Damn!  That was nice, I want more! Bella thought. 

She opens her eyes and sees the same reaction on his face.

They don’t move for a couple moments, until Patrick finally reluctantly pulls away, shakes his head and says “Goodnight.”

Bella softly smiles back up to him and walks slowly into her house.  They share one last smile while she closes the door.  She leans against the door and thinks, Wow!  Probably the best date EVER!

I picture Patrick walking back to his car, slowly at first, almost in a dream state, then abruptly jumping and clicking both heals together and yelling “Yeah!”

What I think is funny is that Bella has forgotten that she shared the dreaded the second date story with me.  I smile at her thinking I know ‘The rest of the story (said in my best ‘Paul Harvey’ voice.)’

I’ll share that story sometime. 

But this story does give me hope – so I do sign up to the free dating service.

Vegas Baby!

Vegas Baby!

When the economy was good, I would attend company conferences.  This story happens in Vegas at one of those conferences.  I’m a Vegas Virgin and am excited and ready to pop that cherry.    

Maddie was joining me and Coco was meeting us after our conference.  We were all so excited and of course, had to do the mandatory shopping event.  Bathing suits, skirts, cute tops and of course shoes!  I made sure to pack my expensive camera that Hose Head bought me before we broke up.  The infamous camera my sister got so upset that I received because he should have spent the money on a ring.  Now that we are no longer together I was happy to have this really nice camera.  I wanted to make sure to capture the digital memories of the debauchery we were going to experience.  You know, like the end of the movie The Hangover when they show all the pictures of the night they can’t remember.

Maddie and I arrive in Vegas and had plenty of time to spare before our conference started.  We checked into our hotel, Paris, checked out the pool, gambled, shopped and decided why not grab a beer.  We stopped off at one of the casino bars and were instantly talking to the cute bartenders.  They gave us the heads up on what to see and do.  The bartenders were very influential on us having our second beer.  Oh why not?  We’re in Vegas!  I’ve never had a drink before work, probably will never again but you become a different person when you touchdown in the land of sin. 

We make it to the conference, busting in laughing and having a great time.  We may have even hic-up’d.  I almost felt guilty until I see that everyone else there was doing the same.  They didn’t want to be cooped up in a conference when they were in Vegas either.

After two days of listening to corporate, I get a text from Coco telling me she’s checked into the hotel and will meet us at the pool.  I almost scream a Whoo Hooo out loud.  Our Vegas trip is about to start.  I have so much excited energy; I can’t stop moving in my seat.  I want out.  I feel the anticipation in the room and look around to see a lot of toe tapping and checking watches.  Everyone wants out to play in Sin-City.

Once the last words are said, everyone runs out of the conference room like it was their last day of school.   If George Castanza was in the room, all the woman and children would have been plowed through.  But, these are not kids or cast members from Sienfield and they are not running to the nearest park to play or running from a fire but running to the nearest bar with gambling, drinking and wayward, mischievous thoughts running through their heads. 

Maddie and I run back to our room and change quickly into our swimsuits.  We are poolside in 10 minutes flat.  We see Coco laying on her chaise lounge in her cute bikini, legs crossed, drinking a beer and looking very comfortable.  It’s like she owns the place. 

“Nice sock mark Cheetahtort!”  Coco says while laughing and putting her hands behind her head.

I had worn pants with tight socks all day and now notice the extremely unattractive sock mark on my legs. 

Why oh why did she have to point it out especially since Bruce, a co-worker and a crush I’ve had for years is sitting next to her. 

Bruce tries to hide his smile while I turn 3 shades of red. 

“This look doesn’t work?”  I say to Queen Sheeba.  “Thanks Coco and welcome to Vegas!”  I say laughing. 

“Works for me.” Says Bruce “Need a beer ladies?” He continues.

“I have a bucket of beers right here.” Says Coco.

“Yes, I need one of those.”  Maddie and I say in unison.

We lay ourselves down, take a pull from our beers and start enjoying what Vegas truly has to offer.

After a few hours by the pool, taking in the scenery of all the good looking people, we decide to head back to our rooms to get ready for our first official night out.  

We get ready with a bottle of Champagne.  We take one last look at ourselves and head to the first stop, the hotel bar that we have affectionately named “The Circle Bar” or maybe that’s the actual name of the bar.  I’m not really sure.

We walk up – feeling confident as there are more men here than woman.  I think the ratio might be 10 to 1.  We like these odds.   Since this is a company conference, we have a lot of our co-workers with us.  This has a bit of an advantage to it.  They buy our drinks because they feel so guilty for all the work they’ve had us do over the year.  We accept happily.

We see Paul, another co-worker, with three beautiful men and we hope he will be introducing us.

My friends are drooling, but we try to gather ourselves and pose for them.   Luckily we have plenty of liquid courage.    

We find out these men are from Australia.  We love the accents and come unglued.  That alone can get us up in a hotel room alone.  One of them instantly connects themselves to Maddie.        

 “Well, look at you.  Aren’t you pretty.” he says to Maddie in his seductive Australian accent.    The look on her face is priceless.

Her reply when she’s got her mojo going (and she does) is “do you want to make out?”

He does.  So they do.

Another Aussie has his eye on Coco.  I look over to her and she can’t take her eyes off him.  She has him in her trance.  He’s a lucky guy. 

I realize I’m standing there alone.  This has got to change.

Both Maddie and Coco come up to me and say in unison again “The Australians want to take us to Treasure Island.”

“Cool, let’s do it.”  I say not wanting to be the odd man out. 

We get to Treasure Island.  The line/wait for the bar we really wanted to get into was about an hour and a half long.  We walk into another bar.  Maddie and Coco resume their make-out sessions with their beautiful Australian men.  I’m smiling like a proud mother watching her girls. 

They are soaking up all the Vegas experiences and I’m standing around watching them do it.  I need to find someone to make out with.

 “Should we go back to Paris - the Circle Bar?” Says Josie, another co-worker.

“Sure.  We know more people there.”

We say our goodbyes to Maddie and Coco wishing them to have a great time. 

We walk out of the hotel and a man instantly walks up to us.  It was a little unnerving.

“Ladies!  We have a limo, do you want to ride with us?”

I stumble just a bit and look at the man talking to us. 

“Do we?” I say trying not to come off too drunk.

“Yes, you do.” answers the same man wearing his proper-business suit.  Proper business man?  Is there such a thing? 

“I’m trying to entertain the men that work for me tonight.  I have a limo, drinks and all I need is beautiful women.  Will you join us?” 

I walk up to the limousine driver and say “Is it safe?”

“Of course it is.” He says in return wth a look on his face that says silly girl.

I get Josie and me into the limo.  Am I really taking the limo driver’s word that these men are safe?  This has to be the most stupid move I’ve ever made.

“Cheetahtort, I’m very sure these guys are not going to do anything with us.  Let’s just have fun.” says Josie, while she’s holding out her hand for a glass of Champagne. 

She’s about three sheets to the wind.  Will I have to fight for my life and take care of her at the same time?  Should I be doing this?  I’m having a struggle with the two angels on my shoulders.  “Do it!”  “Don’t do it!” 

“Cheetahtort, is that your name?!  I’m Ricky.  Here’s a glass of Champagne.  Enjoy and welcome to Vegas!”

O.K.  I’m in.  Let’s enjoy this ride I think, as I see Josie ask for another glassful.

The limo drops us off at Excaliber. 

As we walk into the pyramid-shaped building, Ricky pays for everyone’s $25 cover charge.  I do my math and figure that he paid $175 to get his whole party into the bar.  Nice.

“I’m thirsty.”  Josie slurs to Ricky. 

Ricky is ready to remedy this situation.  “Carl, go grab us drinks.” He hands over $100 to one of his men.  Poor Carl, he must be Ricky’s lackey. 

Ricky puts his arm around me and smiles because he knows he’s the boss and has everything under control.    

“Tell Carl what you want, Baby.”  Ricky says to me and then looks at Josie thinking the same thing.  We give our orders shrugging to each other and thinking we can get used to this!

Carl comes back to us with the correct drink orders.

Ricky grabs my waist and says “Let’s dance.” 

As he pulls me to the dance floor I notice we are the only people dancing.  Is this a lame bar?  I don’t want to be the only people dancing.

But he has his arms around me and it feels good.  He’s been very authoritative throughout the evening with his men, but at this moment he starts to say romantic words in my ear.  You look so beautiful., I want to get to know you.  I’m so lucky to have found you outside Teasure Island.  Will you be mine?  I want you to be mine.  For at least tonight.

For at least tonight??  HA!  What did I expect to hear?  I’m in Vegas!  I start laughing at him and he smiles back.

“Let’s go back to Paris.” Ricky says to his men and grabs my hand.

Josie looks a little dissappointed by this announcement.  I’m alright with it as I would like to see what our friends are up to.

We all pile back into the limo.

When we pull into Paris, Ricky gets a phone call.  Once he gets off the phone he yells to the limo driver “Take us to Manderin!”

“Oh no, I’m off here!”  I say to Ricky.

Ricky has his look that says, Honey, I get what I want, and you are coming with us, on his face.

“Oh no you don’t, I want you to come with us to the Manderin.  Josie can go check on your friends, but I want you with me.”

“I’m sorry Ricky – I’m staying here.  But I hope you have a great time!  Come on Josie – let’s get back to our friends.”

Josie is so far gone that she just does whatever I say.  She still looks a little dissapointed but walks back into the Paris with me.

I turn around to see Ricky all pissed off and slaming the door of the limo and screaming another order to the driver.

My friends Maddie and Coco are waiting for Josie and I with huge smiles on their faces.  But yell “Where the hell have you been?  Did you just get dropped off in a limo?”  We tell them our story and they tell us theirs. . . .

Once we left them, Coco and Maddie and the cute Australians left Treasure Island to go to the top of The Palms.  (I’m bummed as I want to get to the top of The Palms.)  The Australians buy their way into the club.  Once in the bar, Maddie and Coco run to the ladies room.  When they get out they notice the Australians being kicked out of the bar.  One of them is able to say to them while being escorted out “We got into a fight and they are making us leave!  Meet us at Belagio!”

Coco and Maddie look at each other, shrug their shoulders and laugh.  Maddie says to Coco “Well, we’re here, we didn’t have to pay the cover charge, let’s enjoy ourselves.” 

“Exactly.  Let’s get a drink.”  says Coco. 

The four of us were satisfied with our nights and decided to call it a night – or morning as it was 4 a.m.

We all get up early the next morning to lay out by the pool.  Well almost all of us.  Maddie is a vampire.  She hates the sun.  She’d be happy with clouds and rain every day.  So she went out and about Vegas; perusing the different hotels, looking at the art and doing a bit of shopping.

The rest of us spent the day at the pool drinking buckets of beer and re-lived our evening with the guys we work with.  They were in rough shape.  They had gone to strip clubs and spent their money on cheap women and drinks. 

That night, the guys invited us to a private party at The Palms.  They told us everything there was free.  Food and alcohol!  We were in.

The party was held at a fabulous club named Skin.  They had cabana type cubes with curtains hanging and a light shining behind.  Young, sexy women danced behind the curtains revealing only the outline of their bodies.  Very sexy.  They also had beautiful waitresses walking through the crowds with trays of appetizers.  Very swanky.

As Maddie and I are checking out the club, we notice that the men to women ratio once again is high. 

We run into a couple other guys we work with, Terry and Dan.  They are the office clowns and have everyone constantly laughing.  A waitress walked by with her tray of sushi and Terry grabbed the entire tray and started shoving the food into his mouth.  We all followed suit, trying not to choke on our fish.   

We soon found our way back to our friends when I saw this very tall good-looking man. 

“Maddie – look.”  I pointed him out to her.  “I want to meet him.”

She looks over to the tall good-looking stranger and does something she never does.  She walks over to him and starts talking.  I stand there with my mouth wide open.  Why oh why couldn’t I do that?!

Turns out she’s talking to him about me.  She then turns to me and says “Cheetahtort – come here I want you to meet Joshua!”

I walk over, smiling.  I’m about to meet this tall beautiful man and happy because she makes it happen. 

“Hi.”  I say to the beautiful stranger.

“Hello, Cheetahtort – is it?” He says in a beautiful Australian accent.  He’s smiling at me and I melt.

All I can do is smile back with doe eyes.

“Cheetahtort! This is Joshua.  He’s from our Australia office.”

I’m still standing there not saying anything.  I need to shake myself and get a grip!  A good-looking Australian is vying for my attention.

“Hi Joshua, it’s very nice to meet you.” I say, barely audible.

He laughs and grabs my waist and brings me closer to him.

“You are adorable Cheetahtort!  Let’s get another drink.”

I look over to Maddie and mouth the words “I’m in love and THANK YOU!” while I’m being pulled away.

If Maddie were telling this story she would say that’s the last she saw of me that night.  Oh who am I kidding.  I’m telling the story and I’d say the same thing!

I tell him I’ll buy since all the drinks are free.  We both order vodka Red Bulls because they are so tasty.  We end up on a couch and talk forever; I am mesmerized by his accent.  We discussed his job in Australia.  He was the managing director of the Sydney office.  He told me about his car - a Mazzarati.  I thought he was a bit of a bragger – but I didn’t care.  I was with a good-looking rich Australian that wanted to be with me.  I was in heaven.

While we were talking, I get a call from Josie. 

“Cheetahtort!  Where are you?  Did you leave with that Australian?”

“No!  I’m over here!  Look to your left!”  I say waving my hands in the air.

“Oh good, we were worried.  Are you OK?”

“I’ve never been better.”  I say looking at Joshua.  He smiles and gives me a small kiss on the lips.

I thought I was in heaven before – Now I know I am.

“Have fun!  Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do!” Josie says and hangs up.

“I want to gamble a bit Cheetahtort, will you come with me?”  Joshua asks standing up and taking my hand.

“You bet.”  No pun intended.  I say in return not wanting to leave him.

I’ve got a huge smile on my face and am waving to my friends as we walk by.  I can tell by the faces of the men I work with that they were wondering who the hell does Cheetahtort have in her grips.  My girlfriends had a look on their faces that said “If that were us, she’d be so mad!”

At that moment I didn’t care what they thought – I was in Vegas and I was going to have a great time. They’d being doing the same thing if they were in my shoes.

I honestly didn’t think at the time that I wasn’t going to see them for the rest of the night or I would have talked to them.  I thought I would be back.  But I didn’t come back.

We walked into the casino.  Joshua walked up to a table.  He didn’t even sit down.  He put $1,000 down.  I looked at him like, are you crazy?

He lost.

“Oh my God!  You just lost $1,000!!!!  I’m so sorry!”

“Cheetahtort, it’s just money.”  He said calmly.

My eyes bugged out.  That’s my house payment that he just lost and it didn’t affect him at all!

We continued walking.  We stop by another table.  Again, he doesn’t sit down but puts down another $1,000.  He loses again!

“Oh Joshua – I’m sorry, I should have told you, I’m the cooler!”  (The “cooler” comes from the movie The Cooler with William H. Macy where he had such a sorry life that the casinos placed him by winners so his bad luck would rub off of them and they’d start losing.)

“What?  You’re not the cooler, Cheetahtort, you’re my lucky charm!”

I thought that was sweet to say but oh so foolish.

We walk up to another table holding hands and I break away from his hold and take a few steps back.  He smiles and laughs at me thinking I’m being silly.

He loses again.

I shake my head and am feeling horrible for this man.

He laughs and admits “Maybe you are the cooler.  Go step behind that pillar while I make this next bet.”

I do, as I want to help him anyway I can and I truly believe I am the cooler.

He still loses.

“Oh well, let’s go get a cocktail.  I’m thirsty after losing so much money.” He says not caring.

Out of the blue, he grabs me and plants a hungry kiss on my lips.  I forget about the money.

Wouldn’t normal people be extremely upset that they just lost $4,000?  That was four house payments for me!  What I could do with that kind of money!  But now I don’t even care about the money because I’m woozy on the kiss he just gave me.

We walk into Rain, the bar in The Palms, hand in hand.  He has such a beautiful smile on his face.  He looks like he’s having the time of his life. 

“Stay here while I go get us a couple drinks.”  He says to me and leans down to plant another kiss on my lips.

Where am I going to go?  I’d stay here forever if it meant I could be with him.

While I was waiting I felt a hand come across my waist. 

“Cheetahtort!  I’m so glad I’m running into you.”

It was Ricky from the night before. 

“Ricky!” I say enthusiastically.  “It’s so nice to see you again!”

“Dance with me.” Rickey says – in his authoritative voice.

“I’m sorry, I’m here with someone else.”  Once I get the words out, I feel Joshua’s hands circle my waist.

“Oh.” Ricky says giving Joshua a look that I couldn’t read.

“Have a good night, Cheetahtort.”

“You too.”

This didn’t even phase Joshua.  He just gave me my drink and another kiss.

We walked around the bar for a bit until we found a dark secluded area and started to make out.  (Take that Maddie and Coco!)  Once again, Heaven.  I didn’t care who was there or who was watching and wanting us to get a room.  I was enjoying every moment.

I feel my phone buzz in my purse.  

I struggle to answer my phone in time while trying to answer every kiss.  “Hello?”

“Cheetahtort!  Are you OK?  We left and went back to the Circle Bar!” 

“I’m good Coco!  I’m having more fun that should be allowed.”  I say drunk-like.  Not from the booze but from his delicious kisses.

Joshua laughs and motions for me to put my phone away.

“I’ll see you soon – I hope you are having a good time too!  Talk to you later.”

“Be good! But most of all, be good at it.”  She laughs and hangs up.

Joshua continues kissing me with full force.  I’m taken aback by the passion he’s showing especially in public.  But again – I’m just reveling in it!  I never experience this and want to soak it all up!

He takes my hand and leads me to the dance floor.  We dance so close I can feel his boomerang.  We continued kissing and dancing forgetting that we are in public. 

“Should we get back to Paris?”  Joshua says between kisses.

“Sure.”  I say disappointed because I don’t want this to end but also wanting my friends to meet him.

We head out to the cab stand.  I start to get in line when he says “Oh Cheetahtort – I don’t take cabs – I only take limos.”

Oh goodness.

We get into the limo and he pulls me on top of his lap, holds my chin and says “I’ve had the best night with you Cheetahtort.” Then kisses me so gently. 

I pull away light-headed and all gooey on the insides.

“We need a picture together.”  I say in a fog.

“No wait, I want a picture of you alone first.” he says in return.  He backs up and I pose with a glass of champagne in my hand. 

“Beautiful.”  He says.  “Now let’s get one together.”

He puts his right arm around my waist and gets close to me and holds out the camera with his long left arm and takes the picture.  We then make out for the rest of the trip back to Paris.

It was the fastest ride I’ve ever taken – Dammit!  Why couldn’t it have been from New York to California!

We arrive at Paris.  He gets out and takes my hand and helps me out of the limo.  We walk hand in hand and I feel like I’m floating on Cloud 9. 

Maddie and Coco see me walking in and run up to me.  “What?  You can’t take cabs anymore?  You’re too good for cabs?!”  They say laughing at me.  “You’re glowing Cheetahtort!  What have you been up to?!” Says Maddie with a devious smile.

I step away from Joshua so I can talk to Maddie without him hearing. He reluctantly lets go of my hand.  “I’ve been making out with the beautiful Australian.  I’ve got pictures – I’ll show you later.”  I say as I look down at my purse and notice I’m not holding my camera. 

“It looks like it.  I can’t wait to hear all about it!” Says Coco.

“WAIT!!!!!  I don’t have my camera!”  I yell and run for the door with Maddie and Coco following.

The limo is gone.  I look at the men standing there watching over Paris. 

“I left my camera in the back of that Limo!”  I yell while Coco and Maddie are trying to calm me.

“Call this number, I’m sure they’ll have it for you.” Says one of the men like this has happened a thousand times before.

I’m totally distraught as I had some awesome pictures on that camera! And it was a really nice camera!

“We’ll call in the morning Cheetahtort, don’t worry, we’ll get it back.”  Says Maddie putting an arm around me and we walk back into Paris.

We grab a couple more drinks and I look around to find Joshua.  He’s sitting with his friends.  He looks like he’s telling them a story. 

I make my way over to the men that I work with and they start to ask me questions about Joshua.  I start telling them who he is, when I hear . . .

“Cheetahtort – get over here.”  I get excited that Joshua’s calling me over – but then again, I’m not too sure how I feel about being summoned.

I look over to him to see him gesturing with his fingers for me to come hither.  I shake my head and do the same gesture back to him.  I’m thinking this man gets whatever he wants.  Maybe he should come to me.

He doesn’t budge.  So, yep – I go over to him.  I hate myself for giving in.

He pulls in his lap and introduces me to his friends.  I do my best not to embarrass myself.

I see my friends wanting me to return to them.  I get up, tell his friends it was very nice to meet them and return to my own.

Bruce is sitting against the bar starring at me. 

“What’s with the look?” 

“What are you doing Cheetahtort?  Who is this guy?  Are you being safe?”

The guy I’ve had a crush on for so long is worried about me.  This makes me stop to think.  What am I doing? 

I like this guy.  Bruce hasn’t done anything to make me think he likes me.  So why not have some fun in Vegas?

Bruce stands up, puts his arms around me and says “just be careful.”

I pull away and say “Always am.  Bruce, thank you, don’t worry, I’m good.”

At that moment, I feel arms surrounding me.

I turn to see Joshua.  He pulls me to him and says “Should I be jealous?”

He pulls me aside, and says “Come with me.”

I do.

I’m amazed what this man can have me do.  I’m so used to saying “No!”

I turn around and see my friends with worried looks.  I appreciate their concern because they don’t know him.  I don’t know either.  Should I be worried?    

We walk hand in hand to the elevators and I realize we are going to his hotel room.  I start to panic.  I’m not this kind of girl.  I don’t do such things.

We get to his room.  He leads me in and we walk to the bed.  We sit down and he starts kissing me.  This is wonderful, but I’m nervous.  Obviously, this man wants everything.  His mouth moves away from mine and down my throat.  His hands start to move up my waist to my breasts.  This all feels wonderful – but again I’m thinking I don’t know this man.  I shouldn’t be here.

“Joshua, I’m not sure about this.”

“Hmmmmmm.”  He says while kissing my neck and lower.

“That feels good.” I say but then shake myself.  “I shouldn’t be doing this.” 

“Shouldn’t be doing what?” he says as he continues lower. 

I’m loving this, but I shake myself again and say “I’m so sorry Joshua, I’m not feeling comfortable, maybe we should go back to the bar.”

“Whatever” he says rolling his eyes and continues exploring.

What happened to the gentleman that I was with earlier?  I felt very disappointed but not surprised.

I break away again, “Really, I don’t feel comfortable.”

“You’re serious?  Fine!” he shouts angrily.   

I’m surprised by his outburst and think I should leave.

“Just lay here with me then.  I like the feel of you.”  He says softly.  It was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hide.

He soon fell asleep.  I try my best to squirm my way out of his arms without waking him.  It reminds me of a “Friends” episode where Chandler tries to sneak out of bed from a girl he’s with but accidentally breaks her arm in the process.

I get away and he doesn’t wake up.  I get dressed and stealthy get myself out of the hotel room carrying my bra.  I feel kind of bad leaving him without saying goodbye – but it’s not like I’ll ever see him again anyway.  He lives in Australia.

I walk out to the elevator bay.  It’s bright out.  I need my sunglasses!  What time is it?

I punch the elevator button knowing I have to go all the way down to the ground floor to get to the next elevator bay to go up to my room.

The elevator opens and there are two cute girls in it.  I get in feeling awkward holding my bra.  On the next floor a tall good-looking man gets in.  He checks out the two girls and says “Looks like the two of you are going to the pool!”

I take a look at myself and think What on Earth do I look like?, Still in the clothes from last night, carrying my bra and with makeup down my chin!  I was making the huge WALK OF SHAME!  My Mother would be so proud.

I finally get back to my hotel room.  I don’t have a key and have to knock.  Coco answers the door.

“Let’s go back down to the Circle Bar for one last one” she says.

“Sure, it’s only 8:00 a.m. – let’s go!” I say like we do this every weekend.

We get down to the bar and order a beer. 

“Let’s see the photos you took last night.” Says Coco.

I open my purse for my camera and remember that I lost my camera.  I can’t believe the luck – I forgot it in the back of the limo.  I’m so upset that I did such a foolish thing by leaving my camera in the back of a limo, knowing darn well that wasn’t the only foolish thing I did, but I really wished I had the photos to show my friends the night I had just experienced.  Oh well, I guess what happens in Vegas really stays in Vegas.

We continue drinking our beer and we see the men we work with, with their suitcases getting ready to leave, or having breakfast.  They see us with beer in hand and with the same clothes we were wearing the night before and shake their heads.   I hear one of the men yell . . .

“Cheetahtort!  How was Australia?!”

Vegas.  I love it!